New Girl

New Girl Recap 3×7: Coach

As you may have guessed by the aptly named episode, Coach is back.  And I have mixed feelings about this. I mean, Winston has been their roommate for the past two years and has provided numerous occasions for laughing out loud … And then Coach is just going to waltz back in, rejoin the cast, and act as if he never abandoned everyone after the pilot to go join that other show? Uh uh. Obviously he is a terrible decision maker, seeing as he chose to stick with the show that ended up getting cancelled. And now they are just going to let him come back? This is not okay with me. And, as you will see, he is a corrupter – he is trying to corrupt the roommates. And he is going to throw the whole dynamic off – because it is obvious that he is the reason that the writers had to incorporate Schmidt moving to the new apartment down the hall – to make room for Coach. Things were perfect the way that they were before. I don’t like change.


Coach broke up with his girlfriend (Malia), so I guess he now has enough time to hang out with his friends again. He wants to go out with all of his boys – and not Jess – which is another reason that I am slightly peeved at Coach: he doesn’t accept Jess as another one of the roommates, like everyone else does. And he is totally not respectful of Jess and Nick’s relationship. Because not only does he want to go out and party on a Tuesday night, he wants to go out and party on a Tuesday night at a strip club. Boo! Strip clubs are not okay, especially for men in serious relationships.

Jess tells Nick that she is not comfortable with him going to the strip club. But Coach corrupts him and of course, says the magic word that will get any guy to do something stupid – he calls him “whipped.” Coach says that he didn’t know Nick would have to check with his “girlfriend,” to which Nick replies, “We haven’t even discussed the girlfriend-boyfriend thing.” Uh oh, Nick. Bad move. Jess can’t believe that Nick acted like he isn’t her boyfriend.

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So, Jess decides that if Nick is going to a strip club, she is going to go out on the town with CeCe. CeCe tells Jess that if Nick wants to play games, then Jess should play games too. Jess admits that a guy from the coffee shop (Artie) has asked her out, so CeCe calls him to come hang out at the bar. Well, Artie = Taye Freaking Diggs – a cultured, well-traveled, mature man who OWNS the coffee shop, i.e. the opposite of Nick Miller. Artie is one of those guys that just exudes sexiness no matter what he is saying:

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Over at the strip club, Coach tells the guys that they are going to party til the sun comes up. No one wants to stay out that late, but no one wants to be the uncool one and tell Coach that they are ready to leave.

Also, Winston withdraws $2,000 from the ATM, but it’s not real money – it’s “Bunny Money” that can only be used at the strip club. So he buys a ton of food and alcohol, and he purchases strip club gear from the gift shop for everyone.


Schmidt and Nick decide that they are going to have a shot contest to get Coach really drunk, so that they can take him home. But, Nick and Schmidt end up getting really drunk, and Coach is unaffected. Jess has also gotten really wasted from hanging out with Artie, and she drunk calls drunk Nick to tell him that she is with a man. Nick realizes that he really likes Jess and needs to go home – “Jess is amazing. She’s sexy and sweet, and I can’t lose her.” Coach breaks down and admits that he didn’t break up with his girlfriend; she dumped him for some guy named Derrique.

On the way home, they make a pit stop to beat up Derrique – at his work – the police station. Derrique is a cop, and they show up at the police station in all of their Velvet Rabbit strip club gear to beat up an on-duty police officer. Dumb. Nick gives a speech about how everyone needs to grow up, so instead of beating up Derrique, Coach just tells him to take care of Malia.

Artie gives Jess and ride home, and ends up in her bed like this:


Jess and CeCe try to convince him to leave, but not before Nick comes home. Jess convinces Nick that nothing happened, and she was trying to get him to leave. He believes her, tells Artie to get out of his “girlfriend’s bed,” and then promptly punches and knocks out Artie. They put him in an elevator and send him on his merry way.


Then, Jess expresses her appreciation for Nick calling her “his girlfriend.”

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Oh, and Winston keeps ordering takeout from the strip club because he still has thousands of dollars of Bunny Money to spend: “Deep Dish Gyrator – No Mushrooms” “Main Stage Fish Tacos” “Pour Some Sugar on Meatballs” “Short Stack Ass-Clap Pancakes.” HILARIOUS.


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