Nick and Jess
So a sketchy guy shows up at the loft and gives Nick his inheritance from his late father’s estate – $8,000. Nick being the responsible adult that he is – NOT – starts blowing all of the money at the mall on dumb stuff – massages, clothes, shoes, and fancy pictures because “It seems that rich guys always have pictures of themselves.” Later, Jess suggests that Nick do something responsible with the money – like open a bank account – a suggestion that Nick scoffs at. Hold up, who doesn’t have a bank account. Nick Miller is scarily immature and irresponsible.
The money is stressing Nick out, so he throws it in his box – a box where he puts things that he doesn’t want to deal with, i.e. bills, bills, bills. Jess can’t help her responsible self, and she goes through Nick’s box and pays his bills and parking tickets. When Winston helps her realize how mad Nick is going to be, she decides to try and get the money back from bill collectors that she has already paid. Well, it doesn’t work, and Nick finds out that she went through his box.
Cue the 100th conversation where Nick Miller complains that people are trying to fix him. Well maybe it’s because you need fixing, Nick!! You are a 30 year old man with a box full of unopened overdue bills, who doesn’t pay his taxes, and has no bank account!! Get your junk together!! I am losing my cool on the couch yelling at Nick Miller’s immature self, but somehow Jess manages to keep her cool. Nick storms into Jess’s room and looks around to see what needs changing – he makes fun of her “night peanuts” that she keeps in a dresser drawer, her “metal toothpicks” (aka bobby pins), and throws all of her “beat up old sacks” (aka vintage purses) out of the window. When Jess confronts Nick about not doing jury duty or paying his taxes, he responds:
Nick says, “This is me. Take it or leave it. I’m not changing for anyone.” And I lose my cool again – She is not asking you to give up your dreams or convert religions!! She just wants you to pay your bills and open a bank account!! That is not too much to ask!! But, Jess calmly writes a check to Nick for the money that she spent on his behalf trying to clean his hot-mess-self up. Also, Nick tries to make a point, but in typical Nick Miller fashion, totally messes up the saying
Jess gets called to the bank when Nick tries to open an account with just a check in her name and a paper bag full of money. I guess Nick decided to do one responsible thing with his life for once. But, when the bank lady tells Nick that there will be an $8 processing fee, Jess goes off on her and somehow Nick and Jess start making out in the middle of the bank. The bank lady agrees to waive the fee and Nick and Jess celebrate in triumph!
Schmidt – My Fave
While Nick Miller is dealing with his money problems, Schmidt is feeling really guilty about the CeCe/Elizabeth debacle and is very concerned that he is not a good person. He goes to see his shrink rabbi for advice – “So yeah, I was dating both of them at the same time. I’m a mess. I can’t sleep. I urinate constantly. I cried the other day listening to a techno song. My tweets have been extremely literal.” His rabbi suggests that Schmidt start thinking about others and putting their needs above his own, to which Schmidt replies, “This is one of the few times that I wish I was Catholic. Couple Hail Marys and I’d be off the hook.” Schmidt is my favorite.
Schmidt leaves the synagogue feeling downtrodden … until, a biker is hit by a car and begins to choke on his gum. Schmidt performs “Heimlich’s Maneuver,” and the biker thanks him saying, “You saved my life!” Schmidt realizes what he has done – “Yes. Yes, I did. Thank you, this is exactly what I needed. Let us rejoice in song!”
The biker reminds him that he is still injured, and Schmidt should call 911. “I hope you don’t have a dance recital later. I’m just kidding. Don’t look at your leg.”
Feeling pretty good about himself, Schmidt tells Nick how he saved a “lowly bike messenger’s” life. Schmidt tries to con Nick into telling him that he is a good person. When, Nick won’t tell Schmidt that he is a good person, Schmidt goes to visit the lowly bike messenger in the hospital. Schmidt coerces him into telling him that he is good person. Then, Schmidt finds out that his hospital roommate got hit by a bus while having a bake sale for cancer kids and is now in a full body cast. Schmidt realizes that bad things still happen to good people, and there may be no point in trying to be a good person at all.
He runs back to the synagogue and interrupts Bat Mitzvah class with his newly found life philosophies. “I was beating myself up, but maybe I should have been celebrating! I mean, have you ever dated two women at once … Nothing matters. And that’s great! Because if nothing matters, then we can do whatever we want, Rabbi!” The synagogue security men come and carry Schmidt out while he yells, “YOLO!” at the top of his lungs.
Schmidt returns to the loft and talks with Winston. Winston tells him that he is a good person who did a bad thing, and he just needs to try to be better. Sweet Schmidt is so relieved to hear someone say that without being coerced.
Winston is there too, but just not that important. I kinda feel bad for him because Nick and Jess get a lot of screen time because their relationship is at the forefront of the storyline. And Schmidt gets a lot of screen time, well, because he’s Schmidt and Schmidt is hilarious. Something exciting needs to happen to Winston…
Jess: “It’s early in the relationship. Still shaving above the knee, if you know what I mean.”
Jess, while hiding under the bed: “I just was hot – wanted some shade.”
Jess: You want my purses to be covered in gemstones?
Nick: All guys do! That’s what we think is sexy! We want to be playing a saxophone in an alley and have you walk by in a miniskirt with a purse with gems. But you girls don’t listen!