I watched this episode with two faithful comrades- Ben and Jerry. Earlier in the evening I felt a cold coming on and knew the best way to soothe my throat would be with a pint of chocolate ice cream. It should be noted, this is the ideal way to watch television.
After last week’s tumultuous episode, it was a relief to see Jess and Nick still going strong- literally. They’re in bed, post coitus, and congratulating each other on a job well done. Nick announces “that is how you have sex America” and leans over to douse himself in water as if he’s just completed the Iron Man triathalon. Shouldn’t we all aspire to have such endurance? I sure do. Jess, being the typical girl, poses the idea of talking instead of just going at it like rabbits all the time. You know, discussing their hopes, dreams, feelings- a real buzz kill for Nick.
Their passionate lovemaking has become a thorn in Schmitt’s side and salt in his fresh wounds post the Cece/Elizabeth debacle. He tries to confide in Winston, but the catlady/man is too invested in the life of his feline, Ferguson, to sympathize. Besides, Winston has a number of aids to avoid the couple’s ruckus including blindfolds, ear muffs “and a bell to wear so they know when he’s coming”. All the while this conversation is taking place, Winston strokes Ferguson in an oober creepy way (like CeLo green in those commercials a while back). He’s obviously preoccupied with the impending neutering of Ferguson. Winston concludes that his new mission must be to get Ferguson laid before the fateful surgery. Wise plan Winston. Wise plan.
In cheesy couple mode, Nick and Jess are eating breakfast together when Schmitt presents them with a one-month anniversary cake. Schmitt’s threat to break up Nick and Jess has not been forgotten and they are both suspicious of his motives- but Jess eats the cake anyway. I would too to be honest. Nick goes to confront Schmitt but instead gets mind- Ninja’d!! Schmitt casually suggests that Nick is developing strong feelings for Jess… which of course is Nick’s kryptonite. And it works! Next scene… Nick can’t get it up. Jess is understanding however, and to the tune of Daft Punk feat. Pharrell’s “Get Lucky” she tries a number of methods to motivate him (reading from the Chinese menu in a sexy voice, reverse psychology, awkward dancing, punching him a la Fight Club, etc.) all to no avail. And of course, every time Jess tries to talk about it with him, he avoids her claiming that he needs to move his car. (Remember the moonwalk?!??!?!?)
Schmitt, ever present and always available for some well-intended advice, mind-Ninja’s Jess into trusting him as he studied “Nickology” in college. liar He is therefore a Nick expert. danger! danger! He knows what Nick needs—danger. ignore him! A disgusted and appalled Jess listens intently as Schmitt relays the details of Nick’s ultimate sexual desire “The Captain.” Amidst the roar of his smoothie prepping blender we get snippets of his instructions for Jess: “You’ll want to clean yourself up immediately… are you okay with racial slurs… how good are you at dolphin sounds?” Obviously, this is step 2 in Schmitt’s sabotage but poor, gullible Jess buys it and immediately goes to try “The Captain.” Lights out. Lights on. Nick and Jess are a tangle of arms and limbs and both wear faces of embarrassment and disgust.
Eventually, it’s brought to light that the root of the “penis probs” are all Schmitt’s fault. Nick, in a rage, storms off to confront him. “Communication is your fatal flaw,” Schmitt proudly announces and Nick undergoes a beautiful transformation. Like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon, Nick reveals to Jess just how much he cares about her. He launches into a monologue which is clearly difficult for him to admit. “I. Have. Feelings.” When she tries to put her two cents in, he basically tells her to shut-up. It’s beautiful. A revelation. “I’ve never felt this way or had this… with anybody. It’s like there’s been this fog around my life and with you all of a sudden it’s gone.” He totally Nick Miller’d the moment. He also confesses to having seen his mom naked and having an affinity for rap songs featuring choirs.
All the while Schmitt is confused. Seeing his evil plan unravel before his eyes becomes too much. “Break up!” he shrieks and goes into manic mode. “If I’m not having sex, no one is!” he exclaims as he shreds a pack of condoms and consumes an entire week’s worth of Jess’ birth control. “It’s raining celibacy.”
This rampage interrupts Winston’s date with a cute blonde. She thinks she’s there to hook up with Winston. He thinks she’s there to arrange a sex date for their cats. I mean he lit candles and everything. Did anyone else notice the nearly nude woman on a poster… with a cat face pasted over it? He is so oblivious. So strange.
The group holds an apartment meeting and Schmitt acknowledges that he did a bad thing. Fastforward to him leaving what we assume is an apology letter at CeCe’s door (Cece, not Elizabeth! YayJ) but she’s already moved on!! To a very attractive, ruggedly handsome guy no doubt. Poor Schmitt. She used the letter as gum trash. Burn.
Nick attempts to sound proof Jess’ room and we see what a Pandora’s box this whole “feeling” and “sharing” thing has become. Is Nick too in tune with his feelings now? Will Schmitt’s plan work after all?
Second Best line of the episode: “You’re having sex. Not inventing it. It can’t be that good.” and then Nick’s facial response…(Winston lecturing Nick and Jess on their decibel level during sex)
*Any takers on what “The Captain” ACTUALLY entails?